Relationships are difficult to navigate in the modern age. Cheating is rampant. With a phone in everyone’s pocket, and most relationships starting from online dating, we enter dating with a literal and figurative screen—a shield.
At any moment’s notice, a person can instantly “check out” and completely “check-in” to the new and attractive person in their social media inbox.
Is it fair? No. When you find out your partner has taken the lowest road, a display of their selfishness, here are the 10 tips to help you through.
1. Cheating Is Not About You, It’s About Them
A person who lies to you is not someone who respects you. And it doesn’t matter how many times you plead and try to convince them of your worth—if you need to convince and sell yourself like the newest and latest model in a car dealership, you are not exhibiting value or worth.
Because your value isn’t something for another person to know explicitly—it’s a quality important for YOU to know.
It’s in this knowingness, you can trust yourself on what is the right decision for you. Including ending, shutting it down, and walking away.
2. Cheating: Hold Your Partner Accountable To Their Actions
Hold your partner accountable to their actions, and you hold yourself accountable for yours. Remember from this article: you can and will have thoughts and fantasies in a committed monogamous relationship.
It’s not the thoughts that are bad, it’s the actions that matter.
One of my close girlfriends once had a boyfriend who expressed to her, after 5 years of a committed relationship, that he was interested in another woman at work. He didn’t cheat. He expressed his desire to explore another person. While it hurt to end the relationship, this is much more honorable than cheating.
3. Cheating: You Are Dealing With A Person Who Cannot Control Their Impulses
The behavior, patterns, and choices which lead to cheating, truly uncovers an individual incapable of controlling their impulses. And if one has trouble controlling their impulses, it is their responsibility to not put themselves in compromising situations.
For example, an individual who is self-aware and understands they crave attention, would not put themselves in circumstances where they are garnishing private intimate close attention from other men/women while being in a “monogamous partnership” with you.
Managing your personal impulses is what a mature adult exhibits and practices.
4. Cheating: You Were Committed To Someone Who Was Not Self-Aware
A person who is self-aware would be able to reflect and understand if they are ready to be in a committed relationship. No one forces anyone in a relationship or marriage, except in certain cultures.
The point of dating is to naturally progress into a relationship. Never associate or date someone who does not know what they want. Period.
You are not there to “help” someone see your worth, by being with you. A monogamous relationship is only worthwhile if both people want to be in it. Remember that.
5. Cheating: Someone Who Lies To You Is Not Someone Who Respects You
And it’s not—and never will be—your job to teach someone what respect is and isn’t. You are there to be a partner: not a mother or father.
As much as you loved your partner, they decided to show you with their actions, that they don’t love you at a mutual level. You loved them more. You probably have been sacrificing to build a great life with them.
But they stepped out. Staying around for them to apologize or say sorry—to gain closure—to get better…is not self-love.
Staying around after betrayal only shows the immense lack of love you have for yourself.
6. Cheating: The Power Of Guilt
Understand there is immense power in guilt. Guilt is a powerful energy…and a very toxic one to the human mind and body.
A person can only run so long away from guilt. But essentially it catches right up and consumes the person.
To leave a person who has disrespected and dishonored you in the highest way removes you from eventually hating yourself—but also, it allows your deceptive partner to feel the anguish of guilt.
7. And That Guilt Will Parlay Into Their Future Relationships
The interesting thing about guilt in cheating is that it doesn’t appear initially. If so, then your partner wouldn’t have kept their affair secret for so long…or waiting for you to find out.
Guilt works intimately with time. It takes time, like a seed on its journey to bear fruit.
This person who cheated on you, if you leave, will highly pursue the person they’ve been seeing while in a relationship with you. Interestingly enough, they will project upon this person these fantasies and expectations that they cannot live up to.
This becomes a recipe for disaster for that new relationship.
8. Because A Relationship Which Began From Cheating Has A Weak Foundation
It’s a relationship that was dishonest. And began by betraying and hurting another: YOU. Especially if “the other person” knew your partner was in a relationship/marriage…it will be a relationship ridden of suspicion, insecurity, and even more jealousy.
When their secret forbidden lustful fantasies and desires, are brought to the light of the everyday and mundane—the nuances of a relationship—they exist knowing that this is the version of themselves and each other, that they are committing to.
They both will be reminded, who they are, and what they are capable of when things in their relationship are challenging or “don’t look so good”.
9. You Want A Partner Who Knows How To Argue & Fight Healthy
Much of relationship and marital dissatisfaction is from poor communication. But it’s also because people are generally not taught how to argue in a healthy way.
People don’t prepare for that. And when they get into a relationship, they are shell-shocked and don’t know how to react. So their first initial reaction is to throw away the entire relationship and start looking for someone new.
Sadly, this type of person only comes to repeat their behaviors. Because they never are able to be self-reflective to understand how they are contributing to their failures in relationships.
Cheating is only a symptom of their inner turmoil—it’s not a reflection of your worth or value.
10. When Dating, Screen The Applicant
They are applying for a position in your heart after all. To have the title of “your partner” is a privilege, not a right.
Most importantly, you want to understand how they are in disagreements or arguments. No one has to prepare for the good times, but almost everyone isn’t prepared for the challenging times.
Do they completely shutdown? Do they believe venting to other people all the nitty-gritty details is important? Do they blast their relationship issues all over social media? Do they believe in silent treatments? You can come up with other detailed questions. Your main goal is to ask.
Conclusion
“When a partner cheats, it’s not an indicator of your worth. It’s an indicator of their lack of character.”
Never tie your worth and value to another person’s selfish and disrespectful actions. How people treat you, is a reflection of who they are.
Grieve. Process. But keep on moving. It’s not that you aren’t worth love, respect, or care—you simply chose the wrong partner. And you know what? As painful as it is, that’s okay.
Because you have the time and opportunity, to love yourself now. And along that journey of love, you will find someone, who will love you in the way you deserve and need.
That future partner is out there. Keep yourself strong and resilient. Prepare yourself, to eventually meet that amazing partner.
Warmly,
– Liana
Thank you for this information, that explains ALOT! And helps me to be more able to let go of this relationship easier.
Thank you Jason for your feedback! I’m glad you were able to gain insight from this post. It’s not easy to experience loss during this time, but you deserve to make room in your life for future happiness. Letting someone go who has hurt you through betrayal is the gift you give to your future self. And you prove to yourself, you can count on YOU. You are building your self-worth and self-love in the process. Feel free to share this post with anyone you think it may help. And check out other posts to help in your journey! Stay safe, resilient, and well!
– Liana Vibes
http://www.lianavibes.com