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9 Reasons You Don’t Want Your Ex Back

Ex Back

Breakups and the end of a relationship are difficult. Even more insidious is the feeling of wanting your ex back in your lonely & empty moments.

We beg, plead, pray, cry—and cry some more.

But I want you to consider the following if you’re attempting to get your ex back:

1. If Your Ex Was Abusive Emotionally Or Physically

Time has a strange way of allowing enough distance and forgetfulness of the worst moments while highlighting the good. And while this is useful for healthy and mature relationships, missing or trying to “win back” an ex who was physically or mentally abusive only shows our own cruel lack of self-worth.

You don’t need your ex back. What you need is your self-love back.

2. If Your Ex Was A Cheater

Life is too short to be disrespected by cruel and selfish betrayal. We don’t wait on the sidelines to “understand”; and we don’t wait around for them to understand how they hurt us…they already know. Newsflash: they don’t care.

Hold people fully accountable to their choices. And you hold yourself accountable to yours.

We walk away and allow the gift of guilt ferment in their lives. So they can continue their dysfunction—and spread their disease of selfishness, lies, and deception—elsewhere. Including their new “relationship” built on an already weak foundation.

3. Your Ex Can Only Learn From: Your Absence

Your absence is a gift. It allows your ex to experience their life without you. And if they had dishonored you in any way, they will be alone with the version of themselves that led to the breakup.

ALWAYS hold yourself with integrity. Integrity is the only way to have an easier breakup.

Breakups are always harder, longer, and less forgiving if you carry too much guilt. Do your best to never be the guilty party—it’s an investment for an easier breakup if there ever is one.

4. If You Are The One Who Got Dumped

In the case you were the one who was left, this is an opportunity to do some self-investigation for the behaviors you brought into the relationship. But even more, it allows you to become self-aware of the flaws in your attraction to your ex.

Were they too mature for you? Did you have a severe lack of compatibility of values and morals? Were you even relationship ready?

By doing the inner work on ourselves, we can make the necessary choices now to commit ourselves to growth and evolution.

5. If You Are The Party Who Left

If you are the party that left and are reconsidering, you need to really investigate your reasons for going back to your ex. You probably left for good reason.

But it doesn’t matter if you left or were left: in both cases, you both need to work on your individual selves. 

Because the relationship you have with your own self will be projected and reflected in your reflection with your [ex] partner.

6. Loneliness Is Not An Excuse To Go Back To Your Ex

Any detox is harsh. And when a relationship ends, you are detoxifying from the oxytocin & dopamine your ex-partner released through their physical, mental, and emotional connection with you.

There is an end out of the dark tunnel you are in. But loneliness is not a good enough reason to go back to your ex.

Because while you might have “the title” back, the fortitude of the relationship has been compromised. It will never be the same. While you might go back, your longing for it to be what it once was is gone. That was a time and place that now remains in your past.

7. An Ex Changes With Time

People can’t change overnight. There is a scientific reason for this: neuroplasticity. Your brain operates on the premise of “neurons that fire together wire together”. And the choices and behaviors that led to the breakup is a representation of their brain physiology at the time.

People can absolutely change. And it takes a lot of time, will-power, dedication, and sacrifice. More than they would immediately feel comfortable doing.

It’s okay to allow permission for someone to change, even if they aren’t by your side. Because sometimes the most loving thing to do, is to allow a person the freedom to grow NOT by your side.

8. You Don’t Miss Your Ex

You don’t miss your ex…you miss who you were when you were with them. Whether that be the soft and gentle side of yourself while in the relationship, that part of you hasn’t left. It’s all very much still inside of you, retreating back and waiting for the next moment to come again for you to experience.

So this is your time to love yourself. To love your life—forgive yourself—and make room for new opportunities and blessings to enter your life.

Because the future version of you needs this moment.

9. Your Ex Won’t Come Back By Waiting

Life is happening right now, even if it feels like it’s ending completely. This feeling and experience are important for you to embrace…because you’re embracing the parts of yourself that you need to learn how to cherish.

Your ex can only come back if you’ve changed. And they have as well.

Because you wouldn’t want them to come back to the same you that was left at the ending. You would only want them to come back to something they are missing out on.

And even if they don’t come back? At least you win this new version of you that you developed through handwork; resilience; bounce-back; glow-up; highest esteem; and the highest vibe that you didn’t think was possible. 


Breakups happen with intent. They don’t just “happen”. Usually due to a systemic behavior of poor impulses and self-gratification.

Furthermore, breakups allow us to further investigate our own behaviors. Dating and relationships reveal to us who we really are because they ask us to be accountable.

And reveals if we have integrity. To another. Most importantly to ourselves.

When we focus less on our ex—and move towards our healing—we might be able to find what we really need. Our inner-love.

Be Warm & Vibe Well,

– Liana

One-on-One Coaching!
find out more at:
Liana Estillore Thorn Relationship Coach Wellness Coach Spiritual Coach

62 thoughts on “9 Reasons You Don’t Want Your Ex Back”

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