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Healing After Narcissistic Abuse: 7 Realities

Kimono in Japan, Narcissistic Abuse Survivor

It’s been a long time posting on here. And I’m sorry for the hiatus. I needed to focus on very huge life moments. From opening another business, starting my LLC, and making an impact in the marketing industry. The journey from 3 years ago to now has been speechless to say the least. I have everything I could ever want, thought were impossible, and I have that after Narcissistic abuse. 

As I’m writing this, I’m on a major trip to Japan. I will be exploring the country to the fullest ability. It will be my first time and it was incredible getting in touch with relearning the language. I hired a Japanese tutor who is based in Japan, and we’ve been working together the past months.

Airplane over pacific ocean on the way to japan 

I’m looking out the plane window with awe & disbelief. I can’t believe this is my life. Everything I had dreamed of during those dark moments, moments of confusion & pain, has transpired after those truly dark years. My business has scaled, I have my own place I can call home, my physical healing journey is complete, I have traveled to where my Grandparents are from, I have reconnected with family, and I’m soon to hire my first assistant for my marketing agency.

For many of you, the idea of surviving & thriving after Narcissistic abuse seems impossible. Does it every get better? Some of you may ask. I answer—yes. 

And here’s how.

1. You start healing from Narcissistic Abuse when you begin to let go.

Narcissistic abuse keeps you holding onto an idealized version of what the relationship “could be”. From all the consistent gaslighting, diminishing, & manipulative lies, your state of confusion is the main power they have over you. They need you to be confused, so they can feel balanced in their subjective reality.

The hot & cold of Narcissists—in their idealization, devalue, & discard phase—keeps you on a dopamine high. Even if 99.99% is crappy, abusive, mean, cruel & unjust, you’re selective focus on the 1% of “really good times” is amplified. You use this as “proof” of why you stay. Your sunk-cost fallacy strong. 

It isn’t fair to you. Because your perception is molded and shaped by the one thing you’ve needed, wanted, & deserved: consistency. Narcissists will always be consistent with inconsistency. Yes, this includes a “really good week” or “really good moment”, with many more weeks of pain, hurt, suffering, & chronic anxiety afterwards. Things seem to always go back to the baseline of distrust, secrecy, inconsistency, & “crazy making”.

Letting go of a Narcissists first begins with accepting that this is reality. They are what they are. And you are what you are.

2. Accept That Narcissists Will Never Change

Narcissist are incapable of change. In the study published in the NIH (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7451389/), Narcissists drop out more than 50% out of therapy. Therapy forces you to get to know yourself. Narcissists have spent their entire lives constructing a false self, and it’s far removed from their true self. The true self is a blend our “light” & “shadow” self. Essentially, the conscious parts of mind versus the parts we have deeply suppressed because it went against cultural, societal or familial norms, customs, or traditions.

We all have our unique dance with our “light” & “shadow” self of the conscious & sub/unconscious mind. However, Narcissists have broken this system. They resist any input that holds them accountable to their actions, and how their actions makes another feel.

Their lack of empathy is what allows them to be so hurtful…and this lack of empathy is also expressed towards their own self. How a narcissist treats you, is a deep reflection of how they treat their authentic true self.

3. Narcissists Are The Most Highly Traumatized Individuals

Narcissists are the most highly traumatized individuals. While some are able to create meaning & heal these traumas, it takes tremendous courage, effort, accountability, & the desire to change. Narcissists do not see the benefit of this. And so, they continue their Narcissistic abuse: because it’s the only way they know how to relate.

How we treat others, is a direct reflection of how we treat our own self. This is the baseline of shadow work. Through deep subconscious reprogramming, we can unwrite specific neural pathways through repetition & emotion (The Personal Development School). However, Narcissists have deep wounds surrounding change of this. The loss of the fabricated self is too devastating. 

Because consider, to heal is to allow a death of a previous self. To welcome in a new version. This transformation is not an ability Narcissists have.

4. You Will Spend A Large Amount of Time Trying to Understand Narcissism

Victims and survivors of Narcissistic abuse are often the most considerate, empathetic, & loving people. Sometimes they have codependency & exhibit an insecure attachment style (anxious preoccupied typically). Essentially, they give love & consideration out so generously, without giving much to themselves, if at all. Because of this, after a relationship with a Narcissists, immediately survivors will look to understanding their abuser (focus is external, to another person).

They will read books. Read blogs like this. Watch Youtube videos. Spending an inordinate amount of time trying to make sense—of the nonsensical.

No, there was never a reason why you deserved to be treated the way you were. Making sense of a narcissist’s actions is equivalent to a dog chasing it’s own tale. Narcissists are what they are. 

You didn’t make them narcissistic. You didn’t make them abusive. You didn’t make them cheat. Those tendencies were always there. Accept that people have the power of choice, of self-control. Narcissistic abuse is not made to be understood in order to have “closure”. While it may put some towards forgiveness, the forgiveness starts with you.

5. Forgive Yourself After Narcissistic Abuse

Forgive why you stayed with your abuser. Forgive yourself for “persevering” for love, even if it meant not loving yourself in the process. Forgive yourself for abandoning your needs, because the Narcissist’s was always more important. Your needs for closeness, physical & emotional security in a relationship is NOT asking for the world—it’s asking for the very bare minimum of a relationship.

Forgiveness isn’t about condoning the other person’s behavior. It’s about exhibiting compassion for a previous version of yourself that didn’t know any better. 

That’s okay. You know now.

Forgiveness can also be tricky after Narcissistic abuse. Because it’s difficult to allow space to forgive yourself, when you were always blamed as “being the problem”. Through knowledge of what a Narcissist is, learning & educating yourself, hints of reality peek through: it was never about you.

6. Narcissists Are Emotional, Spiritual, & Physical Black Holes

If a black hole in the universe was epitomized in a person, it would be a narcissist. Why? Narcissists feed off of other people’s energy and vital life force, because they can’t sustain their own. They go after not the weakest person in the room: Narcissists seek out those who have the most going on for them. 

Narcissists feed off of your Qi/chi/vital life force, because this was taken away from them at a very precise moment in life. Usually in early childhood.

This void grows within them and they look externally to gain. While this “method” seems to make objective sense, the issue is that nothing is ever enough. They want more fame, more money, more attention, more love from others (behind your back), more sexuality from you and outside your relationship (again, behind your back)—it’s never enough.

They will take and take. Because the value of reciprocity is never seen in a relationship with a Narcissists. They feel ENTITLED to what you offer them. And once it’s taken, and you’re an empty well, they don’t feel motivated to invest or pour back into you. This requires the hard work of empathy. Instead, they leave. Because their nature of what they are has finished its job.

7. Surviving Through Narcissistic Abuse Doesn’t Make Your Different

Shame. Embarrassment. Feeling like “the only one” going through this. You begin telling yourself a narrative that no one could have been so fooled like you were. More shame builds upon what’s already there—and it seems to grow every minute.

Surviving through narcissistic abuse doesn’t make you different in a negative sense. It does make you different for surviving level extreme of “How to deeply emotionally & mentally wound a person”. But you know what? You find that there is a worldwide community of others, from different cultures, different places, some you can only imagine, who have survived through the same vibe.

Maybe the abuse was through a different language, different customs, and different journeys and paths of healing afterwards. However, the specific pain of surviving Narcissistic abuse brings you into a world of other survivors—who get it. And get you. 

I am grateful to have met many globally who had been moved by my willingness to share my story. Not to admonish or embarrass my abusers, but to bring light, that we don’t have to live in shame. 

To Feel Understood After Narcissistic Abuse

At the deepest root, we want to feel understood. For all the amazing proud parts, and the parts that we are too ridden with shame to even admit to ourselves. Surviving through narcissistic abuse is one of those deep shame.

But the story & narrative you tell yourself, is the most important piece. It isn’t so much what has happened to you, but what stories are you telling yourself—about yourself—that is affecting your present day reality?

Are you saying untruths like “I will never be loved like I was loved in that relationship”? “No one will ever accept or love me”? What creative stories are you constructing, and how is that permeating your decisions & behaviors in the now?

These stories are key in understanding where you’re at…and how to heal. A narcissist’s poison relies on you to repeat their patterns in your life, even if they’re no longer around.

Trauma is a gradient. Some of use will experience unbelievable forms of trauma. Others, may only experience lighter version of trauma. If you’re someone who has left a toxic relationship with a Narcissist, you’ve survived through a lot. More than a lot. Honor that this can be transformative to your journey in a positive way, if you’re open and willing to heal.

Conclusion

Leaving my Narcissistic marriage began a journey I could never have imagined. Do I hate my ex-husband? Absolutely not. My healing journey has had moments of missing him, to being angry and upset, and ultimately—it revealed to me how much I loved him. And my capacity love, even through the pain tells me more about me, than it does about him. I had work to do obviously (like learning my worth). I stepped into that relationship with hoping for the best, giving my all, & having much more to learn about myself.

Because for years after I kept silent about the abuse (as most survivors do). It wasn’t until I saw the hate being spilled online, years after he left, that it only proved to me what I already knew deep inside.

He constructed a reality in his mind I would stalk him, go after him, and be vindictive.

But that’s not in my nature. I gave him the divorce he wanted, ensuring it was legally strong, even going to get our documents notarized. Amicably and peacefully. I gave through my marriage, during my divorce, and kept silent about it afterwards. He conducted himself differently.

This motivated me to do the hard work of getting certified in the field, learning, growing, & evolving. Understanding, this is the very thing a Narcissist cannot do. They are addicted to the story of hate they have towards you. 

Subsequently, it allowed me to understand other Narcissistic people in my life. How much I had given consistently into Narcissistic people’s wants and desires for me. Ending friendships that proven their toxicity, to distancing from relatives who I now understand their behaviors. And where it’s rooted from. 

This has allowed me a freedom that gave way to the life successes I have today. I would not have been able to obtain the specific goals I did, having egregious toxic people like *that* by my side. 

In a way, they gave me a gift. An opportunity to relinquish my vibe, to see the worth they were attempting to take from me, and finally giving myself just a bit more space to own some of the good things I had trouble seeing in my self. For so long, I needed Narcissistic people to add to my life–because they were so busy taking from it.

Surviving narcissisms isn’t so much about the focus being on the narcissist on “why they are the way they are.” But an opportunity to go take a deep look in ourselves, and ask the most powerful question: “What traumas in my past allowed me to persevere & stay in a similar pattern with this individual?”

It’s a long journey of finding the answer. But this self illumination, despite the world shattering ego death, is worth it. Because what you will find is this: you’re everything the Narcissist could never be.

Shibuya Japan at Night Narcissistic Abuse Survivor Shibuya Japan at Night Narcissistic Abuse Survivor

 

Certified Life Coach for Narcissistic Abuse

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