The last update ever on this website was back in April 2021. There are many reasons to this hiatus. I needed to heal. Healing was more important than ever in my life—I went through a tragic experience which left me belittled, bruised, and questioning my existence.
What happened? Loss. Loss of a family member, loss of a marriage, and loss of a sense of security. It’s interesting now looking back at it all.
More interesting is how healing became everything to me. I thought I knew what healing was (totally an expert with my resiliency, meditation, training in Integrative Medicine, vast books, and saved/bookmarked Youtube videos on healing). I found along the way, that healing isn’t what you think. In fact, it’s so much more.
There are 5 reasons why healing is powerful. And by the end of this, I hope I piqued your curiosity on why YOU should dedicate every effort towards healing.
1. Healing Is The Best Revenge Against A Narcissist
I didn’t know it at the time, but I had been manipulated by narcissistic people the majority of my life. The big “N-word”: Narcissist. You can find them in almost every family, workplace, and everyday life.
In fact, the expert on the topic—Dr. Ramini—was a lifesaver in teaching and learning about Narcissistic people. While it’s still a growing field, she argues that today’s society & social media has encouraged the growth of narcissistic people.
Now, every person has narcissistic tendencies (the desire for recognition, validation, etc.). However, true narcissistic people have very weak empathy and very high insecurity. But they could never allow you to see this part of themselves. Instead, they project, never take accountability, and will blame YOU.
It’s an age-old pattern that didn’t start with you and won’t end with you.
Healing is the best revenge against a narcissist because by healing, you unlearn the patterns which attracted and committed you to a toxic person in the first place—so you learn to not do it again.
Most people attracted to or manipulated by a narcissist often have insecure attachment styles: anxious-preoccupied, fearful avoidant, and/or is codependent.
Your best “karmic revenge” isn’t spending effort in making a toxic person miss you. Healing is intentionally going after the peace of not being motivated by them or proving something to them. You are healed when you don’t allow their past abuse to define you in the present or influence your choices toward self-harm/self-destruction.
You will get there.
Toxic narcissistic people DO NOT CHANGE. They refuse to heal. They will never know anything outside their harmful behavior. The gift from this experience—is you heal. They don’t get access to you, your glow up, your healing, your success, or your health. Remember, this is a long game, a long investment…and YOU win. Healing is simply the intentional change in a positive direction.
2. Healing Is Uncomfortable
Healing is painful, scary, and challenging. It’s uncomfortable. Greatly uncomfortable. It forces you to have accountability—accountability for your behavior; but also holding others accountable for who they are.
Accountability is not something toxic people can do. They struggle and often fail huge on it. Their greatest fear is admitting they have a flaw. Especially their emotional stuntedness, from years of neglect and emotional atrophy.
It’s a hidden truth of toxic people. Though they may have moments of “accountability”, it’s more like a performance than derived from actual vulnerability. Remember, toxic people DO NOT HEAL, therefore the onus of change is always on you. Toxic people perform for themselves and the world.
They “perform” accountability. They perform empathy. They perform vulnerability. Toxic people have great insecurity. They are the most unhealed.
Sadly, they will never do the uncomfortable responsibility of healing. Why? Because the problem is always YOU—in their world.
3. Healing Cleans Up Historical Family Trauma
The nasty thing about trauma is that it’s passed on from person-to-person. Like a deadly virus. But it has a total effect on your body, mind, AND soul (if you believe in that).
Healing frees you to see the repeated patterns passed down in families. Responsibility and accountability are 2 major ingredients of healing.
It may not have been your responsibility for the previous person’s abuse, but it’s your responsibility for recognizing it for what it is—someone else’s unhealed sh*t, not yours.
As you heal, you will find you’re not only healing yourself…but doing the healing work others simply cannot do. This makes it that more painful when it comes from family history.
I was once told, “Blood makes you related, who you would spill blood for makes you family.” I discovered within my own family system, that there are individuals with biological relatedness. But I held their biological association to me to such high regard…not realizing this individual was more toxic than any of the strangers who bullied & tortured me growing up as a child.
This is the scary thing. You might often think “family first”, but having known many individuals who rely & lean on Chosen Family—don’t hang biological relatedness over your head when it comes to healing.
Your baseline should always be based on a person’s character, accountability, responsibility, and consistency.
4. Consistency Is Healing…It’s What We Call RESILIENCY
Resiliency. Yeah. That. I have often admired resilient people. I admired how much it seemed like they “don’t care”. Powerful. Enigmatic. That “Jé nais se qouis”.
What I found interesting is resilient and truly confident people actually care. They care A LOT. They care a lot about their values, their truth, their experiences, & expansiveness.
And if you’re healing, you have to care A LOT about what you’ve survived through. Sometimes it’s easier to gloss over and minimize your experiences (a coping mechanism). Sometimes by not gassing things up, it’s easier to swallow what we’ve been through. It allows us to be in a daze of denial that we equate to safety and comfort.
But the true gift is accepting and embracing your experiences. Because healing is getting into the mindset, “Life is happening FOR you, not TO you.” One plays the victim, the other a student.
There are some really cruel, f*cked-up things that happen in life. I’m the first to know some of the most horrific things people can do to a person—I survived through some greatly unspeakable things.
What I found in my healing is that commitment to consistency is key. It’s okay to feel sad, depressed, lonely, misunderstood, forever different, etc. Surprisingly, this will serve you later on. How? By allowing you to deeply connect with others who “have been through it”, who’ve “been there”.
Along your healing journey, you’ll discover how NOT alone you are.
5. Pain Is Subjective, And Then Again, It’s Not
Individuals will react to pain differently based on their subjective experience. Variables such as how your brain registers pain to the hypersensitivity of your nerves all play a factor. We can argue pain is subjective, but then again, it’s not.
Because the pain felt by individuals across the world is universal. For example, a parent who lost a child in Asia is not superior or inferior to the loss felt by a parent who lost their child in America.
Pain is a universal language…as much as happiness is. The only other important factor is the amount of EMPATHY one has. Without empathy, people can do atrocious behaviors that hurt at a massive level (terrorism, racism, etc.), yet justify it under the beliefs which were passed to them.
Trauma is passed on as much as bigotry is.
Healing means challenging all of this. Healing relieves your pain by inspiring you to DO SOMETHING. Mostly, it means subtracting something.
When you heal, you will be creating new spaces in your life. For more evolved and higher-level experiences IF YOU HEAL.
The past year I had to do a lot of healing. I subtracted people who revealed exactly who they are to their core and others who exhibited narcissistic & dismissive-avoidant attachment styles—which in turn activated my anxious-preoccupied & co-dependent feelings. I habituated and thought the constant need of keeping them “happy” at the total expense of myself and having my basic emotional needs fully neglected, which led to a desperate need for their validation, believing it would make me happy. It didn’t.
However, in spite of all of this, the subtraction of these individuals allowed me to do the work they never could. I finally see very clearly who they are…and who I am.
The beauty about healing is those toxic people will only remember and ruminate about a PREVIOUS VERSION OF YOU. Something which no longer exists. As you heal, you evolve. And evolution of self is powerful. Also, healing allows you to not fall back on old “comfort patterns” which are just your triggers wanting to be healed with/through another person. To rewrite old wrongs.
Yes, it’s often very easy for those who have been abused to go straight back into new abusive situations. But you must be vigilant. Therapy is important in healing. It allows for an unbiased opinion, and where the magic of asking deep uncomfortable questions can be asked without fear of a relationship (friendship, intimate, business, etc.) ending.
What did I find on this journey of healing? My power. I discovered why I previously attracted myself to those narcissistic dismissive-avoidant types. They are what they are. I know now where that attraction originated from. And maybe it was a lesson I would need to learn in this life so I can taste true freedom.
Exactly a year ago, I thought my heart would forever be broken. What I thought was me breaking was actually a break-THROUGH. After dedicated seriously to intense healing, I never would have imagined the experiences which took place.
I was blessed. Travel, new experiences, advancements in my career, my health improved, my physicality whole, I gained access to complete specific necessities in life, I moved away from my home base, and every goal I envisioned became true. Big goals, small goals, and those nuanced gifts in between. I even found myself in a much happier, healthier, and more impressive relationship that I can truly call “home”.
Life is interesting…if you make it to be so. Healing allows different perspectives to your story. And it’s in that which you can do the largest piece of healing:
I hope you are all well. Stay well & vibe well.