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Confidence: How to Build It & Own It

Smiling Confidence

Confident people are very attractive. We look at them, with glory, envy, respect, and much more. But what is confidence? And how can you grow it in your life?

Today’s article will focus on just that.

Confidence Is Total Embrace

Confidence is about being able to fully embrace yourself for who you are. But what does this look like?

It looks like: being able to acknowledge and be aware of your flaws. Appreciating them and validating they exist. Not running away from them, shunning and shutting those parts of you down, but taking an honest assessment of who you are right now.

There is a false assumption that confident people don’t care what people think. Anyone who tells you that is mistaking rude people for confident people—two separate things.

Confidence is about acknowledging people will always have opinions. In fact, confident people know to a degree what the spectrum of opinions is. The good, and the bad. Confidence is about making your own opinion of yourself matter, so much more.

But how?

Confidence: You’re Always Going to Be Disliked By Someone

I used to believe as a kid, that it was important to get everyone to like me. When you’re the child getting bullied and picked on for having severe eczema rashes/scars all over you, you become the social pariah. I had few friends and was tormented every day. It was not a fun experience and really ruined my self-esteem.

And what I wish those bullies knew, was that I struggled with severe food allergies which caused the disfigurement I suffered with. And had already gone to the ER 3 times, for anaphylaxis, before the 7th grade.

I was convinced, the way to be happy, was to make everyone like me.

As I grew older, it was interesting to discover that this goal, was never going to make me happy. Because there will always be an opposing opinion to who you are. And you know what? That’s okay. That means you’ve made it.

Because Life is Balance

As you remember in older posts, life is a balance of opposing energies: yin & yang. “Karma” is really just a fancy word for describing the universe always in a constant flux of balancing energies: by the weather, temperatures, or what humans “put out there” through their choices and actions.

It’s less important to get everyone to like you, and more important to respect that you’re going to need the haters, with the lovers. You need the yin, to your yang.

Yin & Yang

Embrace them both. They both exist. Just never allow yourself to get stuck on one side—I’ll let you decide which side that will be.

The quicker you work towards this realization, the faster you’ll achieve confidence.

Confidence & Integrity

Your character is going to matter greatly when building your confidence. Integrity is my favorite word. It describes a person, who makes choices that are firm and honest to who they are, and who they want to be. Because who we want to be, is always a choice.

Integrity is about saying what you do, and doing what you say.

When you have integrity in your arsenal, you walk in the world proud of what you produce. Because whatever situation comes in your path, you know you would give your best. And even if things didn’t work out perfectly, you can move forward into the future without looking back.

And that is confidence. 

Confidence Is Found In Your Character

“Character is what you do, when no one is looking.” – John Wooden

Have you ever known someone who, perpetually works hard to describe and explain who they are to others, but are always up to no good? I am reminded of those in the modern dating era, who portray themselves as honest, loving, considerate, good people—when in reality they are manipulators, deceivers, liars, and cheaters.

While you might believe they get quite a lot of attention, they actually have the hardest times. Especially during breakups and rejection: because they have to be alone with themselves. They are left wondering “what could I have done to make things better?” Answer: A lot.

In fact, it haunts them. Because they lie to themselves. Remember, someone you lie to is someone you don’t respect. So…

People of this kind are too busy convincing others they are a decent person when they do nothing to actually be a decent person.

Confidence is about being able to be alone, and say to yourself, for every action and decision you’ve ever made, you can stand by. Being able to stand by our choices nourishes confidence. 

It helps you sleep better at night. #guiltfree

Good is Confident

Yes, there is a lot of liars, deceivers, manipulators, and cheaters out there. And it makes existing in this society, especially dating, so difficult.

But, what I can tell you, is that everyone has their day of reckoning. Shoutout to those staying the highroad with high-level character. You will be the ones that win.

For those who get off by hurting others through lies and deceit—yes, they may get their temporary highs and quick fix. However, long-term, they are locking in a very hard future.

Because just like any muscle you train and grow, practicing quality character is something you do consistently. It grows with time. If a person’s life has been about cheating and deceiving, that’s what they will be good at. And if there is ever a time they want to change (usually motivated by the perceived “person of their dreams”), they wouldn’t know how to live up to that standard.

Confidence Protects You

Confidence is knowing and having the courage, to walk away when respect is no longer being served. Whether in business, and especially relationships, confidence is making the choice to honor your health and wellness. Mental health IS health.

This is why build a track record of integrity. Build a track record of high-quality character. Because that version of you is who you’ll be with when all else falls away. It will make healing after a breakup easier. And help you—when certain doors close and other opportunities open up—have clear eyes, moving into the future. #zerobaggage

Consistency Builds Confidence

Every day is a new day to commit to the person you will love the most in this life—YOU. When you are able to do this, you have the confidence to not only walk with pride but also bring that love to those important to you and deserving of that love.

It’s that old adage, “You have to love yourself before you can love another.”

To further add, loving yourself is about consistently making choices you can stand by. Choices you can love. Because love starts, with a choice.

Choose you. Always. And the right people attracted to your vibe—and can honor that vibe—will naturally be gravitated into your life.

This is why life is a gift. It’s a gift, you participate and constantly create.

The Courage to Be Confident

Confidence will always require courage. They go hand-in-hand. It’s the courage to do the honorable thing, even if it’s hard. And even if everyone else around you does things differently.

Maybe you have people in your circle that are always involved in drama: the abusers, womanizers, players, cheaters, stealers, etc. 

I have this saying: “Just because everyone is doing it, doesn’t mean it’s right.

Have the courage to take your own path that is true to you. You don’t always have to do what others are doing. Especially if it’s a kinder, and more sincere, choice.

It might be lonely at times. But when you’re headed to the top, not everyone can join you.

Perfection Is Not Confidence

Confidence does not mean you’re perfect, or everything in your life is perfect. Again, it’s about embracing things fully as they—right now—and choosing to love your life regardless.

Each day, commit to your ideal future. How do you build towards that, with every choice you make? And the choices you don’t make?

I want you to remember: People don’t want perfect, they want what’s real.

People Don’t Want Perfect: They Want What’s Real

Perfect is neither real nor sustainable. Why? Remember the Yin & Yang symbol of duality? You need polar opposites, in order to exist.

You need the haters with the lovers. Just as a celebrity needs their fans, and fans need their celebrity. Perfection would mean you could be both, at the same time.

The point is, focus on those who are #teamYOU. Acknowledge your haters exist, but it’s not your job to convince them why they should love you—instead focus that energy on building and going far with those that are your tribe. That’s where your investment should always be.

In Building Confidence: Start Small

The beautiful part of being human, is we are in a constant state of flux if we are open to it. We have the ability to learn, unlearn, adapt, evolve, and grow.

Each day, focus on a small achievable goal. And commit fully to it. As you grow familiar with this feeling, you can start adapting and applying to bigger situations.

Your goal is to be familiar with that feeling of being empowered to make a change in your life. Because this will be applied, to all facets and factors. Big and small.

Because, and say it out loud with me: “Confidence is a path, never a destination.”

Confident people, just like you, are always working—consistently—to achieve the life they desire. Confidence stops when you stop. Every new experience will ask of you a choice. A decision.

Choose your worth. Choose, confidence.

In future posts, we’ll properly go into depth about blockages from our upbringing that could stall our journey towards confidence. Take care, until next time.

– Liana

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Liana Estillore Thorn Relationship Coach Wellness Coach Spiritual Coach

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