Closure. We seek closure to help our process of moving on and moving forward. Do we really need closure to live happily in the future?
In today’s article, I want to help you understand why closure might not be necessary to move on. And what you can do to empower yourself with or without closure. Here are the 11 tips of insight on closure:
1. We Want Closure After A Breakup
After a relationship—with an intimate partner, close friend, or family member—has ended, there is a burst of heavy emotions that come forth.
Our insecurities and pain are highlighted. It’s the only thing we can feel. Sometimes, it’s the only thing we allow ourselves to feel.
We desire closure to help make sense of the actions and choices another has made in regards to us.
Because by making sense, it might help us make sense of our pain. And maybe even process it.
2. Closure: Making Sense Of Another’s Actions
When we are caught by the swift and rude awakening that this person we had in our personal circle hurt us, betrayed us, abandoned us; the most immediate reaction is we begin to tie our value and worth to their behavior.
“He did this because I’m not pretty enough”; “She did this because I don’t have the sports car with the spoiler & nice rims”; “I was left because I’m not good enough”—does any of this sound familiar to you?
We tie our value and worth to another’s actions because it only makes sense why we were treated that way. Right?
3. Closure: How People Treat You Has Nothing To Do With You
People have the incredible power of choice. We have the capacity to feel a very expansive and wide array of emotions, both good and bad.
But the responsibility of maturity is understanding, just because you have the thought of doing something, doesn’t mean you should.
I have stated before, there have been times I’ve wanted to slap someone in an argument—but I chose not to. There is a line between thought and choice.
You can’t help your thoughts: your mind is designed to give you a spectrum of good & bad. Conflicting and contradicting.
But action is your choice.
4. Closure: It Doesn’t Help To Put Ourselves In The Mindset Of Others Who Hurt Us
When someone hurts; abuses; abandons, and betrays us, it doesn’t serve you to put energy and effort behind understanding their logic or viewpoint.
Appreciate the fact you have your own individual viewpoints, experiences, history, and level of maturity. So does this other person. And that person is reacting from a place where they feel entitled to behave as they do—even if they’re wrong.
The Biblical quote “Don’t cast your pearls before swine” comes to mind. If people have the audacity to treat you less than and unworthy—through deception, hurt, and betrayal—don’t use your most precious commodity to invest in their dysfunction.
Time is your most precious commodity.
5. Closure: What Are You Choosing To Spend Your Time On?
Are you spending your days and weeks, toiling in the confusion and mess of emotions another has deliberately put you through?
Reminder: this is your life, and you are living it right now.
Have the self-parenting skills to give yourself permission to grieve and experience all of your emotions. Cry if you need to. Scream at the top of your lungs and punch a pillow if you must. Be patient with yourself.
But each new day is an opportunity for you to practice your new life without this person in it. A person who chose to dishonor us and hurt is, is not a person you should spend your precious time wanting back.
6. But Liana, If I Could Just Talk To Them, They Would Feel Bad For What They Did
No, they won’t. Realize the power of accountability: you must hold people to what they say and do, and hold yourself to what you say and do.
People are not used to facing their own selves, let alone their own dysfunction. It’s simply not real to them. It doesn’t register. Thus, it never happened in their eyes!
They will make you look like the crazy one. They will make you look like you deserved it.
But that’s the reality of projection.
7. Closure: When Faced With The Mirror, Most People RUN
When someone makes themselves hideous through selfish and poor decisions, that is usually not a reality they want to accept. Taking accountability and responsibility is the most feared aspect of being an adult.
Children usually have their entire lives taken care for them. Adults take care of themselves. They own up to their mistakes, can express an apology if appropriate, be introspective, and change their behavior.
So in the case of abuse, betrayal, cheating—they can reason to the end of time to avoid accountability. But the question they can never answer directly:
Was it necessary?
8. Closure Can Only Come From A Sincere Place
Imagine, this person you desire closure from, telling you exactly what you want to hear—the apology you desperately need—but not meaning any of it.
This requires this person to be insightful and introspective enough to reflect on their own actions and behaviors. And again, most people do not want to take this high-level of responsibility.
Because in their value system it’s easier to deflect and blame other people. It takes out all of the hard work. These people have not mastered the art of prevention. Instead, they’ve mastered the art of denial.
9. Closure Is Relying On Another’s Words To Move On
By requiring closure from those who hurt us, we are placing our self-worth and value contingent on another’s words or actions.
Just as a bypass heart surgery attempts to recreate flow around the blockage to save a life, you need to do the same by allowing yourself to move on and heal.
With or without someone giving you the closure you seek.
10. Closure: Because In Life, It’s Okay To Not Know Everything
I used to be the type of person who needed to know everything in order to make sense of myself, my reality, and those associated to it.
But as wisdom comes with age, you begin to realize, you don’t have to understand everything. It’s not a requirement—especially when it comes to the acceptance of letting someone go.
Some people we entangle our lives with will leave it in ways that throw us off our center. Disconnecting us from our selves. Confusing us greatly. And destroying whatever we knew about love, connection, commitment, and loyalty.
That on them. Not you.
11. It’s Not About Understanding Someone Who Gave Us Pain, It’s About Understanding Why We’ve Allowed Ourselves To Participate
The closure you seek, is ironically, more about you discovering why you’ve allowed yourself to participate in this toxic dynamic.
Did you choose to look the other way to obvious red-flags? Is your self-worth so low you would rather stay in toxic dynamics, than face time alone to heal and work on yourself? Do you struggle with loving yourself? Have you neglected yourself totally—you don’t know who you are anymore?
Understanding ourselves becomes the most important part of closure. It’s not the other person’s words you need to hear. It’s your own self-validation that’s deeply wanted.
You are going to meet people on your path who slip through our walls and defenses, become close, and destroys your sense of self. It’s going to hurt. It’s not comfortable.
It’s not that your worth is obliterated because of their selfish actions, hurt, or betrayal—you simply made an error in choosing that person as worthy of getting close to you.
It happens. And it’s not the end of the world, just because it did. Your job is simply to distance yourself from dishonorable and toxic people. And move forward.
You’ve literally opened up space for someone who is of your same vibe, same frequency, to enter your life…a gift you’re giving your future self.
And make you appreciate that painful experience was worth going through.
Closure isn’t about waiting for someone to apologize and own up to who they are. It’s not your job to parent someone into these realizations. That’s their responsibility to be introspective and reflective to do so. Inspire and motivate. But don’t walk the path for them.
Focus on you. Giving yourself the self-love you deserved from this person. When you get good at this, you’ll build this like a strong muscle. You’ll accept and realize closure is forgiveness.
“How people treat you is a reflection of them. How you react is a reflection of you.”
You can forgive people…for being exactly who they are.
Be With Peace & The Best Vibes,