In my post about jealousy, I went in deep into when jealousy can be used appropriately and inappropriately. Insecurity—being called insecure—is a favorite descriptive term used by someone who is engaging in poor and short-sighted choices.
But are you really insecure? Or are you being put in situations when it’s totally appropriate to be insecure?
Today I want to help you discover which one of the two you are. And why maybe you might actually be reasonable and sane:
1. Insecurity Is Given To Us By Other People
Whether it’s from the power of Marketers, or the popular kids in school, we are made insecure by other people. There was a study done in the ’90s when the island of Fiji was given access to Western television—their eating disorders in women skyrocketed soon after.
We internalize the images and media we see, whether directly or indirectly advertised to us.
More common now is social media’s direct influence on our self-esteem and self-worth. We compare our lives to edited, curated, and filtered content on our feeds.
2. Social Media Has Driven Insecurity
We garnish power through how many followers we now have. Trying to follow the patterns and behaviors of our most influential “influencers”. But sadly, those who struggle with low self-esteem and value, begin to engage in desperate means and measures to stay relevant.
This is how we get results like Trisha Paytas [a cis-female who “came out” as a Transgender Male] and many others who enjoy the attention controversy brings.
While this is considered “entertainment”, because of its popularity we blur the lines of reality and normalize intentional controversy for views.
3. Porn & Sex-Culture Has Made Us Insecure
I go further into this here. Our lives are now saturated with the influences of sex-culture. It’s no longer enough to have high-achievements; dependability; loyalty; kindness; or a good moral compass.
If we don’t look like porn entertainers—and behave as such—we feel irrelevant; unattractive; and “not-in-tune”.
We are made the outsiders. The rejects. Because while embracing your sexuality is highly important, it isn’t the only thing that makes you human. It’s now almost unconventional to want and connect beyond the experiences of the flesh.
We ignore inner-development, for outer development.
4. Insecurity: Our Needs & Wants Are Sacrificed For The Comfort Of Another
Now in modern dating & relationships we have normalized behaviors that are selfish and rude. The “Just Trust Me” card is constantly used to excuse bad and poor behaviors—and often used as a way of manipulation.
For the chance to have the label “in a relationship” dangled over our heads, we put up with disrespectful and rude behaviors…because hey, it’s better than being alone, right?
We choose to attach stronger to a label, than our own relationship with ourselves.
And this is how insecurity develops…and spirals out of control.
5. Because If We Truly Love Ourselves, We’d Make Stronger Choices
Ultimately, we decide and choose who we allow into our lives. We choose who gets to stay & who goes. Just because YOU honor the title you have between you and another, does NOT mean they honor it the same way.
They are not you and never will be. And you are not them, and never will be.
We must do a better job at respecting the individual for who they are. For their great aspects and not so great aspects. And choose—using facts, actions, and patterns—whether they will only waste your time long-term or enhance it.
Everything in life is a choice—including suffering. We get to choose the degree in which we suffer.
6. Fair Is Square
In any relationship, parameters should be openly and clearly discussed. Just as you are given contracts before entering an important agreement of any sort, so should your parameters for being in a relationship—friendship, intimate, or otherwise.
NEVER ask someone anything YOU yourself can’t do or commit to.
The ugliest thing to be in life is a hypocrite. Don’t be a hypocrite. Have integrity to your word. “Do as you say, say as you do.”
Don’t want your partner talking to that attractive person at work? You better have the same self-regulation to abide by the same condition.
7. Insecurity Doesn’t Live Comfortably With Integrity
It is NORMAL to have things about your body, mind, and soul that you aren’t feeling absolutely 100% on. No one ever gets there, and if they do, they don’t remain there.
Because we are in constant flux—a swaying relationship—with our confidence, self-worth, self-love, and self-esteem. They are journeys we commit to every day.
The secret to having an easier time, thus an easier journey, is to always have integrity. When you have integrity—to the words you say; actions you do; choices you make—the degree of insecurity isn’t as severe.
8. Because When You Have Integrity, You Build Confidence
It takes courage to make difficult and hard choices. Today, aligning your words with your actions takes a lot of courage—because not many practice this.
It’s difficult to build integrity when we have the safety of a smartphone screen between us and others. We can edit, block, Google a perfect answer, and reply. But real connection happens in real-time & in-person.
When you build integrity it’s not for anyone else. It’s for you. Because each day you practice it, you are building a piece of you that you can easily love. Even if this is the ONLY thing you love about yourself, it’s the seed to constructing a very different life…a life of personal freedom.
9. Your Needs & Wants Are Not Your Reasons For Being Insecure
You simply haven’t aligned with others who support you in your vision of life. People will either take away from; give; or do both towards you.
If you force yourself to engage with others who simply TAKE (your peace; your dignity; your wellness; your health; etc.), you are NOT choosing the best for yourself. And this is going to lead to you distrusting yourself.
Above all things, you NEED to trust yourself. This is non-negotiable. You can’t ignore this.
10. Be A Mirror
“Treat others how you want to be treated”. The Golden-Rule. It’s a very good rule to abide by. Treat others how you want to be treated, and if they can’t do the same for you: KEEP. ON. MOVING.
You have to be fair to yourself and to others. Sometimes you’re going to need to be the bigger person and set an example with your actions. But this isn’t about desperately behaving a certain way and hoping for a person to react in the way you’ve hoped.
Displaying your worth and value with your actions is about you creating the foundation on your side with fortitude. Your behavior and worth is not tied to another’s choices—good or bad. YOU define YOU.
And those who cannot play a vital role in your experience of life, naturally find their way out of it. Because they aren’t able to adjust and play at a mature, healthy, honest, and genuine level.
11. Real Insecurity
Real insecurity comes from being shady; shifty; manipulative; self-serving; and dishonorable person. It arises from guilt.
We confuse real insecurity with being self-conscious. ALL of us feel self-conscious: it’s part of being human! Some are simply able to manage it better than others.
Ask any famous person. I’ve worked with and have met plenty. And even with the fame and notoriety, they are human and experience self-consciousness as much as we do. Even more than the average person because everything they do is criticized and publicly open for judgment—it’s not easy having little access to privacy.
Our self-conscious tendencies come out when we do something important or are with someone important to us. We desire to build security in our lives because we want to protect what would hurt to lose.
Especially in relationships, we might get more self-conscious because our partner’s attention is what breathes life into our relationship. It’s difficult if it drifts elsewhere because it requires both individuals breathing life into it—in fact, the Latin root word of “conspire” is “to breathe together”.
Conspire with your partner to build something meaningful, protected, and with integrity. That’s how you build something worth both of your time.
Any person who loves themselves will really honor where they spend their time and energy—what they breathe life into. So, when you can: remind yourself to breathe. And be aware of what moments and experiences you breathe into.
You can always choose.
Be Well & Vibe Well,