Sex is an important part of a healthy adult relationship. With the advent of Onlyfans, Pornhub, and other sites that average users can now become popular porn stars [adult entertainers], what exactly is all of this doing to modern relationships?
Is porn healthy? What would make it unhealthy?
Today I want to answer these questions, to consider the insights on what porn might actually be doing to us as a society—and more importantly, to each other.
1. Porn: Let’s First Talk About Hormones
Hormones are important. During our pubertal stages, we become very curious about these new rushes of feelings and curiosities. Especially as our bodies change and develop.
Our first orgasm is a high—our first taste of combined ecstasy, pleasure, and even embarrassment or shame. The precursor towards addiction.
For especially males, their rush of testosterone (the hormone which increases sex drive in both males and females) is addressed first through masturbation. And it’s through masturbation one eventually finds a way to amplify its experience: pornography.
2. Porn & The Human Orgasm
The human orgasm is a very powerful experience and motivator. We release powerful compounds: dopamine; endorphins; oxytocin; vasopressin; serotonin—a serious cocktail of intense and pleasurable experiences.
Every feeling behind a human experience is driven by a particular hormone within the human body. Including addictions.
More interesting is because these are powerful compounds being released during orgasm, our brains and minds—through neuroplasticity—are cementing what we are looking at, what we are feeling, and documenting how we are being stimulated for every orgasm.
We are creating a verifiable record of what stimulates us or “turns us on”.
3. Ask A Neuroscientist
As we continue to give into our impulses to reach for pornographic content to stimulate ourselves, we are creating fortified pathways in the brain. Pathways in regards to our pleasure.
Hebbian’s Theory: “neurons which fire together, wire together”.
We literally are teaching ourselves what turns us on not so much by what we choose, but what is chosen for us. Because…
4. Porn Is A Fantasy
Every pornographic material is strategically put together in a tactful way. Porn relies on marketing—and its analytics relies on clicks and views.
It doesn’t matter if it’s on your favorite porn site or your favorite OnlyFans content: all successful algorithms rely heavily on one thing—your attention.
Your favorite actor/actress/content provider doesn’t automatically wake up and is thinking about sex 24/7. They are a real person who has mundane life needs, and personal hopes and dreams too. It isn’t easy to think about their humanity when you’re seeking sexual release…but it’s there.
5. Porn Removes Humanity
Because they are selling fantasy for your pleasure—and trying to keep your attention or money focused on THEIR content—it’s hard to think about the very real human being behind the nudeness, sex, lust, and fantasy.
By removing the humanity, it teaches us in a powerful way, that our most intimate acts with another human being are devoid of human connection.
We, through the power of Hebbian’s Theory, are teaching ourselves how to gratify and seek sexual encounters without putting the effort to know the person we are sexually involved with.
6. Porn’s Effects On Dating
Modern dating has for a long-time now been coined “the hookup culture”. Dating apps like Tinder have only made it easier to find a sexual connection through the ease of a swipe. But let’s pause to consider: is your value defined through a swipe?
What this has made people are very desperate and shallow.
In fact, our perception of beauty has now become heavily influenced by our pornographic industries. Everyone is trying to look like them. It’s not enough to be “pretty”, “beautiful”, or “average-sized”—but being “f*ckable”, “biggest [body part]”, and “everyone swipes right on me”.’
We ignore inner-development for outer-development.
7. Porn’s Effect On Relationships
We enter relationships very guarded. It’s very terrifying for anyone to be vulnerable, let alone honest anymore. Honesty comes from a level of having depth. Sex is concerned only with the flesh.
Thus, people enter relationships already half-disappointed: their partner could never live up the years of conditioning from pornographic usage.
There will always be a deep sense of “something missing” in a relationship. Not realizing, nothing is missing at all: it’s simply a detox one is going through.
And it’s uncomfortable navigating this new space of something beyond just orgasms and physical pleasure.
8. How Can We Create Fulfilling Relationships If Only Concerned With Sex?
As stated in point #6, we are taught collectively that the outward appearance is all that matters. Our social media teaches this and so does our pornographic use.
What I learned from my trans friends is their dating lives are ridden with people attracted to them but are afraid to date them. They can have intense and really great connections, however, the fear of “what’s between their legs” frightens their partner.
This is silly. In a relationship, we aren’t f*cking 24/7. In fact, most of a relationship happens outside the bedroom.
24 hours in a day: 8 hours is used for sleeping; maybe an hour for sex with a partner…that leaves 15 hours to get along with someone.
If we aren’t engaging in empowering ways to be a better partner—and only focused on increasing our sexual attractiveness—what kind of quality are we bringing to relationships?
9. Porn Can Be Damaging To Your Partner
Remember, we are teaching ourselves what we are attracted to by what is being projected to us. If porn actors/actresses/content producers are giving a very embellished and over-the-top representation of themselves, then our orgasms are teaching us what our tastes are.
It will be very hard for your partner to live up to this expectation because your partner isn’t experienced through video clips; buttons to press pause or play; windows you can click out of, or something you can jump tabs around and out of.
Humans—and their minds—have not evolved fast enough with technology. We weren’t prepared to have this much information and naked bodies having sex thrown at us in seconds.
10. Paleo Porn?
You’ve probably heard of the Paleo diet and its touted benefits for health. Think about pornography during caveman times. The probable and only way you’d be able to find a naked person visually—was a naked person.
And as societies and cultures advanced, human sexuality has exploded as well.
The important aspect to realize is humans usually had sex to experience orgasm with another naked person. And that usually took a varying degree and ability of social communication and interaction.
Sex has always involved all the senses, not reduced to the overstimulation of a few.
11. Porn And Variety
Online pornography sites and apps overfeed the experience of novelty. There is an infinite amount of videos one could watch—it would be impossible to watch all of the porn available in one lifetime.
By teaching, fortifying, and aligning our sexual tastes with variety, we in turn make it hard for ourselves to be satisfied with what we have.
And by always giving into our impulses—always giving into novel variety—we cannot build a space for gratitude. Including our sexuality with our partner. Because we will always crave something different, and something more.
Our partner will never be enough…for an appetite that cannot be satisfied.
12. What Can I Do?
I think porn can be helpful when dealing with times of being single and alone. But it’s about moderating your usage.
Instead of always using pornographic content to accommodate you, use your imagination as well.
Use the power of fantasy to balance porn use. Close your eyes, and you do you. There’s a scientific reason behind this: it breaks the powerful connections in the brain that relies on porn to achieve orgasm.
Remember, orgasm is powerful because it teaches the body what it’s doing and looking at to achieve that same result. By introducing imagination and the power of fantasy, you break those chains of the porn industry’s grip on influencing your tastes…and formulating your OWN tastes outside of it.
13. You Can Free Your Tastes For Your Partner
By utilizing imagination to balance out porn use, you can save your relationship or prevent it from going down dark allies altogether. Dating is your opportunity to find someone who matches your degree of sexuality. Not relying on porn, allows your sexual energy to be shared with your partner—which deepens your connection.
By teaching ourselves we shouldn’t rely on constant sexual variety, it may also lessen your desires to cheat. Which is also rampant in modern dating and relationships.
And I believe that is a symptom of unaddressed issues surrounding healthy sexual function. “Have more sex—with the person you are committed to/love.”
14. Porn Teaches Us About Our Most Intimate Selves
We are a society now heavily influenced by the porn industry. Our version of attractiveness is influenced by it and our sexual tastes too. Just like fashion, it has told us “what’s in” and “what’s out”.
Dating has been hit the hardest from the negative effects. Especially men don’t have to try as hard for a woman’s attention when he can easily find plenty of others who will behave and look like the pornographic actresses and content providers he has gotten off to in private for years. This also is true for homosexual relationships too.
A noticeable portion of women’s response has been the “get the bag” lifestyle and becoming pornographic content providers as well. Which creates the feedback loop for men to continue behaving and treating women in poor & disempowering ways.
So Do We All Just Exacerbate Each Side’s Reasonings For Poor Treatment?
No. We can’t change people. But we can influence them. And if done correctly, with tact, and lovingness, you can show someone the option of another way. And in future posts, I will show you how.
Stay Strong & Well,
– Liana
